© Mark McKenna 1999 All Rights Reserved
"SEINFELD"
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
1 EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET 1
It is evening and JERRY and ELAINE are coming out of the movies.
Jerry waves half-heartedly for a cab. Elaine's attention is focused
on someone up the street.
ELAINE
Bad movie. Good monster.
(to herself)
Is that Rachel from the health club?
Jerry hails a cab, which pulls to the curb. Elaine doesn't see it.
JERRY
Yeah. All that drool.
Jerry's attention is grabbed by MAY LEE who hurries by them and steals the
cab.
We only see May Lee from behind. She is wearing a tiny, black, backless dress,
black spike heels and has long, dark, braided hair. Elaine is still looking up
the block.
ELAINE
His overbite could've used some help.
MAY LEE (V.O.)
Sam Woo's, please.
Jerry is trying to see what May Lee looks like and trying to hide his interest
from Elaine.
JERRY
(cranes his neck)
Yeah. Most monsters just need a good orthodontist.
The cab drives off.
ELAINE
(angry)
Hey! Our cab!
Did you see that?
JERRY
(guilty)
No, I didn't see anything.
(to himself)
Rats!
2 INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT 2
Jerry and GEORGE are talking. Jerry is by the sink.
George is on the couch awkwardly
flipping the TV remote from hand to hand.
JERRY
I met the ambassador of Peru last night. Came to the show.
GEORGE
Peru! He laugh at your jokes?
(Jerry gives George a look)
GEORGE (con't)
I mean, the language barrier.
JERRY
No barrier for him. He speaks seven languages.
GEORGE
Did you ever notice how it's always seven.
Like you go from one, right to seven.
JERRY
Well, I was impressed.
GEORGE
It always impresses people. That's why I
always wanted to learn a foreign language.
JERRY
To impress people.
GEORGE
Sure. What else?
JERRY
To better communicate with our friends
from other lands?
GEORGE
(scornfully)
Phhht.
Jerry moves over toward the couch.
JERRY
So, what language would you learn?
GEORGE
Any one. It doesn't matter. As long as
people couldn't understand it, I'd be happy.
JERRY
That's so important in a language.
GEORGE
That's why people speak other languages. You hear them on the street.
They know you can't understand them and they're loving every minute of it.
Jerry shakes his head. KRAMER enters.
KRAMER
Jerry, you got a glass of water?
JERRY
Sure. Help yourself.
Kramer gets the water. He takes out a distinctive pill bottle.
KRAMER
I gotta take a pill.
JERRY
What pills are you taking?
KRAMER
It's a placebo.
Kramer takes the pill with one quick gulp.
KRAMER
I've been taking them for a week now and I feel great!
Jerry and George look at each other.
JERRY
Well, anybody want to eat?
GEORGE
Sure. Where?
JERRY
(casually)
I thought I'd go over to Sam Woo's.
GEORGE
Sam Woo's? We went there. You hate that place.
The food was terrible.
JERRY
(innocently)
Well, maybe it's better now.
GEORGE
Sam Woo's?
George gives Jerry an incredulous look.
JERRY
OK. OK. I saw this girl getting into a cab last night
after the movie with Elaine. I heard her say she was
going to Sam Woo's.
GEORGE
Nice?
JERRY
I couldn't see her face. But the dress she was wearing--
you could've put it in an envelope and mailed it for 33 cents.
George looks steamed up.
GEORGE
Really?
KRAMER
The girl at Sam Woo's? Forget about her, Jerry. She's poison.
JERRY
You know her?
KRAMER
Everyone knows her. How do you think
Sam Woo stays in business?
(laughs)
It's not the food. She's his daughter.
JERRY
His daughter!
KRAMER
Be careful. A lot of guys have dated her
and gotten really messed up. She practices
(horrified whisper)
abstinence.
JERRY
Well, I don't care. I'm going.
KRAMER
No, Jerry. Don't go.
Bob Saccamenna tried for three months.
JERRY
What happened?
KRAMER
Ruined his stomach. Eating that food,
night after night. He had to go on the Pritikin diet.
GEORGE
The Pritikin diet?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah.
(gestures)
Ixnay, Jerry. Ixnay.
JERRY
Well, I'm going.
KRAMER
Not me. Not to Sam Woo's.
JERRY
You coming, George?
GEORGE
(weakly)
I guess we could try it again.
CUT TO:
3 INT. HEALTH CLUB 3
ELAINE is working out on a Stairmaster, listening to a Walkman
and leafing through a magazine.
SFX: 'HOTEL CALIFORNIA'
She begins tossing her head and mouthing the words.
Next to her is a sexy guy, JACK. Elaine is oblivious and starts
to sing out of tune. Jack realizes she can't hear herself and interrupts.
JACK
(loudly)
You like the Eagles?
Elaine is startled and turns off the Walkman.
ELAINE
Sorry. I didn't realize anyone could hear me.
JACK
Wasn't too bad. It's a great tune.
ELAINE
Yeah, they're great.
JACK
I haven't seen you here before--
ELAINE
I usually come during lunch.
JACK
(pointedly)
--because I would have remembered.
ELAINE
(flattered)
Oh.
Moment of silence.
JACK
(shyly)
Would you like to go for a cup of coffee after?
ELAINE
Okay.
CUT TO:
4 INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT 4
Jerry and George are sitting in a typical Chinese restaurant,
looking at large menus, waiting to order.
GEORGE
You know, there's something I've never understood.
I've always heard 'ixnay', but I never knew where it came from.
JERRY
You've never heard of pig latin?
GEORGE
(weakly)
Well, I've heard of it.
JERRY
You were probably absent that week. It's simple. You just take the first
sound, put it at the end and add 'AY'. Girl, irl-gay. Boy, oy-bay.
GEORGE
That's it? That's all?
JERRY
Yep.
GEORGE
Hmm.
SAM WOO approaches the table.
He is a hyper Chinese man in his fifties.
SAM WOO
You ready to order?
JERRY
Do any of these dishes have MSG?
SAM WOO
(shouts)
No MSG! No MSG!
GEORGE
Are you saying the food contains no trace, however small, of MSG;
or just that you don't add any extra MSG.
SAM WOO
(to George, bites off words)
No M-S-G!
Sam Woo glares at George who looks intimidated.
JERRY
Is the garlic chicken good?
SAM WOO
At Sam Woo's everything good!
JERRY
Everything good. Hmm. OK, I'll have the garlic chicken.
Two chefs burst out of the kitchen shouting at each
other in Chinese. Sam Woo rushes over and joins the argument.
All three are eye to eye, waving arms and yelling.
JERRY
I guess too many cooks do spoil the broth.
GEORGE
We're eating here?
Jerry and George watch as May Lee, in the tiny black dress, enters
and says a word to the two cooks who both stop yelling and hurry
into the kitchen. She then talks quietly to her father who calms
down and exits. She walks over to their table to take their order.
She is very beautiful, friendly and thoroughly Americanized.
MAY LEE
(smiles at Jerry, then writes)
You're having the garlic chicken?
JERRY
(smiles shyly)
That's right.
MAY LEE
(smiles at Jerry)
It's very good today.
(to George)
And what would you like?
GEORGE
(debonair)
I'll have the garlic prawns and a side order
of potstickers, please.
May Lee smiles at George, dazzling him. He closes the menu. As he
gives it back to her, he hits himself in the head with it,
which he tries to ignore. Jerry hands her his menu, and both of them hold it,
lingering a second as they smile at one another. May Lee exits.
GEORGE
(whispers)
Did you see her? Is she unbelievable?
JERRY
Are you kidding? I don't know what Kramer was talking about.
Later. May Lee approaches with two plates of food.
She serves George as he does his best to look winsome.
She hands Jerry his plate and they both hold it
while smiling at each other.
MAY LEE
Enjoy your dinners.
(intimately, to Jerry)
If there's anything else I can get you please let me know.
Jerry nods, blissed out. May Lee exits.
Jerry takes a bite of food and
makes a horrible grimace.
CUT TO:
5 INT. ALL-NIGHT DRUG STORE 5
Jerry is leaning on the counter. George is holding his stomach.
They both look sick.
JERRY
(to counterperson)
Do you have any Alka-Seltzer?
CUT TO:
6 EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET 6
Kramer, feeling great, runs into George on the street.
KRAMER
Hey, George.
GEORGE
Kramer.
KRAMER
You don't look so good, buddy.
GEORGE
Really? It must be the food at Sam Woo's.
Kramer reacts.
KRAMER
Sam Woo's? The daughter?
GEORGE
Yeah.
Kramer reacts again.
KRAMER
I warned you.
GEORGE
I know, I know.
KRAMER
Hey, George. If you're not feeling so good, you know, low energy,
tired, listless, you should really try some of these.
Kramer pulls the distinctive bottle of pills from his pocket
and gives it to George.
GEORGE
Placebos?
KRAMER
A friend of mine's got thousands of them.
They were left over from a study.
GEORGE
I don't know, Kramer.
KRAMER
You'll feel great.
GEORGE
(doubtfully)
Okay--
Kramer gives him a confident smile as George examines the pills.
GEORGE (con't)
(shrugs)
I guess it can't hurt.
George takes a pill.
KRAMER
Attaboy!
CUT TO:
7 INT. COFFEE SHOP 7
Jerry and Elaine talking. Coffee cups and empty dishes on the table.
ELAINE
Are you feeling all right?
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
You look kind of pasty.
JERRY
It must be the food at Sam Woo's.
ELAINE
Don't you hate that place?
JERRY
Yeah, but I've got a date with his daughter.
ELAINE
Oh, the girl from the movies.
(laughs)
Say' did she ever find the rest of that dress?
Jerry makes a face.
JERRY
So, how're you doing?
ELAINE
Great. I met someone. At the club.
JERRY
Oh?
ELAINE
Yeah--
(nods)
Jack.
JERRY
Spongeworthy?
ELAINE
(fervently)
Completely. He's the reason they invented them.
JERRY
Oh, a sponge-god.
Jerry picks up check from table and reaches for his wallet.
ELAINE
(laughs)
We'll soon find out. So, where are you going with the daughter?
JERRY
May Lee and I are going to a poetry reading.
ELAINE
(laughs)
Poetry?
Jerry looks uneasy.
ELAINE (con't)
(laughs more)
You? Poetry?
CUT TO:
8 INT. POETRY READING 8
The poetry reading is held in a small theater with many empty seats.
On stage, sitting on a straight backed chair is the angry, hippie-type,
POET. The room is just small enough that no one can leave without creating
a scene. The poet projects a violent vibe and a fine spray of spittle, especially
on the word 'putrid'. Jerry and May Lee seated in front.
MAY LEE
(whispers)
He's supposed to be the next Wallace Stevens.
JERRY
What happened to the last one?
May Lee is baffled by this. The poet clears his throat.
POET
(shouts)
God!
He glares slowly around the room.
POET (con't)
Gone--On--Darkness.
(beat)
Left to rot in putrid alleys.
Poet spits on the word 'putrid'
Jerry surreptitiously wipes his forehead. The Poet glares.
POET (con't)
Left to stink
Of flowers and rust,
In the gutters of my mind.
We see May Lee's rapt expression, then Jerry's pained one.
POET (Con't) (V.O.)
God!
We see Jerry's eyes roll back in his head.
9 EXT. STOOP OF MAY LEE'S BUILDING 9
Jerry is still ga-ga and hopeful as they say goodnight.
MAY LEE
I had a really nice time, Jerry.
Not too many guys like poetry.
JERRY
I had a really nice time too, May Lee.
He goes to move a little closer to her and she thrusts out her hand.
Jerry takes it and she shakes quickly and disappears into the building.
JERRY (Con't)
Rats!
CUT TO:
10 INT. GEORGE'S OFFICE 10
George is quickly and efficiently organizing files on his desk.
He is whistling. The placebo bottle is on his desk and he
eats a few like peanuts.
SFX. PHONE RINGS
GEORGE
(sings out)
Hello.
(listens a moment)
No problem. I've got that all taken care of.
Sent it off this morning. No.
No. No problem.
(listens again)
GEORGE (Con't)
Well, thank you, sir! In the Yankee organization
we feel we have a long tradition of quality
to uphold. Yes...a long tradition.
(listens a moment)
GEORGE (Con't)
God bless you too, sir.
All right. Bye now.
George hangs up the phone as a co-worker DICKIE sticks his head
in the door. He has a big pile of documents stacked criss-crossed.
He looks like Don Knotts.
DICKIE
George, I really hate to bother you but I'm swamped
and Steinbrenner's on the warpath.
GEORGE
Dickie. C'mon in.
Dickie enters apologetically.
DICKIE
The copy machine's broke and these press releases
have to be collated. They have to go out today.
GEORGE
Sure, I can do it. No problem.
George takes the stack cheerfully and puts it on the desk.
DICKIE
Thanks, George. You saved my life.
Dickie turns to leave and George calls him back.
GEORGE
(confidentially)
Say Dickie, a friend of mine gave
me these pills.
(pulls out the bottle)
GEORGE (Con't)
They're placebos left over from a study.
I've got plenty, if you want some. I've been
taking them for a few days and I feel great.
DICKIE
(shrugs)
Well, I guess if they're just placebos they
couldn't hurt. Thanks, George.
He takes the bottle from George and exits.
George opens his desk, takes out
another full bottle and smiles.
CUT TO:
11 INT. ELAINE'S BEDROOM 11
Elaine and Jack are in bed, on their backs, staring up at the ceiling.
There are a few moments of silence.
JACK
This sort of thing never happens to me.
ELAINE
(gulps)
I'm sure everything's fine. You're probably just tired.
JACK
(casually)
Yeah. No problem.
(yawns)
Well, goodnight.
Jack punches his pillow a few times and rolls over.
We see Elaine's frustrated and staring eyes.
CUT TO:
12 INT. COPY ROOM IN YANKEE STADIUM 12
We see Dickie whistling, relaxed and confident as he removes collated
copies from a copy machine. George is working in the background.
STEVIE, a co-worker enters. He looks like Don Knotts, too.
STEVIE
Hey Dickie! The copy machine's working again.
DICKIE
Yeah. I stayed late last night.
(pats machine)
You know, these machines aren't
hard to fix if you just take your time.
STEVIE
Wow! That's incredible.
DICKIE
Say, Stevie! You should try some of these.
He pull out the bottle of placebos. George raises an eyebrow.
We see him getting an idea.
CUT TO:
13 INT. HEALTH CLUB 13
Elaine is pedaling furiously on a stationary bike. She is sweated up,
staring fixedly into the distance and looks like she's going to explode.
CUT TO:
14 INT. KOSTANZA'S APARTMENT 14
FRANK and ESTELLE are in the living room. Estelle is sitting on a
chair and knitting. Frank is sitting across from her, wearing a T-shirt
and reading the sports page. George is on the couch
watching them. His head moves like a spectator at a tennis match.
FRANK
(to Estelle, who never looks up)
I read yesterday in the paper...now bratwurst
isn't good for you. When I was sixteen, I ate
bratwurst every day for a year. That's all I had.
Bratwurst. Bratwurst for breakfast, bratwurst for
lunch, bratwurst for dinner.
ESTELLE
Frank, you shouldn't sit around
in your underwear.
FRANK
It's not underwear. It's a T-shirt.
ESTELLE
It looks like underwear.
FRANK
I'm comfortable. Can't a man be
comfortable in his own house?
ESTELLE
Someone might come over. Put on a shirt, Frank.
FRANK
This is a shirt...it's a T-shirt.
ESTELLE
Frank, put on a shirt.
FRANK
No.
ESTELLE
(warning)
Frank.
FRANK
(to the heavens)
Forty-six years. Forty-six glorious years.
Every day I wake up and think
now my bliss is complete--
(wails)
--but no.
ESTELLE
Shut up, Frank.
(shouts at him)
Take that off and put a shirt on.
FRANK
(shouts back)
Never.
George clears his throat. He is holding out the pill bottle.
GEORGE
Would you two like to try something good?
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
15 INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT 15
Jerry is on the phone. George is on the couch flipping the remote
quickly and catching it over and over expertly.
JERRY
Oh thanks. I'd like that a lot. Friday
night. Sure, I'd love to. Sounds great.
OK. See you then.
(to George)
That was the Peruvian ambassador.
I'm invited to a dinner on Friday.
George is admiring his skill with the remote.
GEORGE
You know, professional sports
can't be that hard.
JERRY
You want to go?
GEORGE
Diplomatic?
JERRY
Yeah. The Peruvians are having
some people over.
GEORGE
Good food?
JERRY
(of course)
They're diplomats.
GEORGE
Yeah, sounds good.
How are things going with May Lee?
JERRY
Torture. We went to a poetry
reading the other night.
George shakes his head.
JERRY (Con't)
Tonight we're going to a mime marathon.
GEORGE
I don't get it. You hate the food. You
hate poetry. You two have nothing in
common. What's the big attraction?
They look at each other.
JERRY
The challenge?
Both nod. Kramer enters. He is stuttering and shaking.
KRAMER
What ch-ch-ch-ch-ch?
JERRY
Challenge. May Lee.
What's the matter with you?
KRAMER
The p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p...
He continues stuttering.
JERRY
What? Placebos? Peruvians?
Place-kicker for the Jets? What?
Kramer waves his hand signaling 'no'.
KRAMER
L-L-L-L-L-Later.
Kramer exits abruptly. George looks at Jerry and raises an eyebrow.
(CUT TO:)
16 INT. AVANT GARDE PLAY 16
On stage is a mime lying on his back while another mime is emptying pieces
of cut-up newspaper from a bucket on him. Behind them, stage right, a mime
with a scissors is cutting up more newspaper and putting it in another bucket.
Stage left, two more mimes are playing "It's a Small World After All" over
and
over on accordions. All the mimes move like sleepwalkers doing tai chi.
Jerry's sitting with a clenched jaw and a fixed gaze.
JERRY
(whispers)
May Lee.
She is so engrossed by the action she doesn't hear him.
JERRY (Con't)
(whispers louder)
May Lee.
She looks over at him.
JERRY (Con't)
(indicates watch)
I've got to get up early tomorrow.
MAY LEE
(as if to a child)
Jerry. There's only'
(consults watch)
An hour and a half left.
May Lee turns her head and is immediately engrossed in the stage.
Jerry whispers to her profile.
JERRY
I'm pretty tired.
Jerry is shushed loudly by the person sitting behind them.
CUT TO:
17 INT. GEORGE'S OFFICE 17
George is working. He picks up the placebo bottle, stares at it for
a moment, then shrugs and takes a few. MR. WILHELM, who is
passing by, sees him take the pills and enters.
MR. WILHELM
(sharply)
George, what are those?
GEORGE
(not looking up)
Placebos. Help yourself.
MR. WILHELM
Hmmm.
We see him gingerly taste one and nod appreciatively.
CUT TO:
18 INT. COFFEE SHOP 18
Jerry and Elaine are talking.
JERRY
So. How are things going between you
and what's his name?
ELAINE
Jack.
JERRY
Yeah. Jack.
ELAINE
Fine. How are things between you
and---uh?
JERRY
May Lee. Great. Couldn't be better.
Uncomfortable silence. Jerry stirs his coffee.
ELAINE
Jack and I get along great, too.
Super, in fact.
She fiddles with her cup.
ELAINE (Con't)
But, there is one little area.
JERRY
Oh?
ELAINE
Actually, a big area.
JERRY
A big area.
ELAINE
Yes. How can I put this? The star player on his
team isn't coming up big at the crucial moment
of the game.
JERRY
Oh. I see. If I understand you correctly,
and I think I do Elaine, what you're saying is,
he doesn't rise when they play
the national anthem.
ELAINE
(desperately)
It's worse than that, Jerry.
He won't even get off the bench.
JERRY
He's not anti-American?
ELAINE
(choked up)
Oh no. He loves his country.
JERRY
You know Elaine, there are no
atheists in foxholes.
ELAINE
What are you talking about?
JERRY
I don't know.
ELAINE
I'm getting desperate, Jerry. I don't
know how much more I can take.
She looks at Jerry pointedly. He reacts.
JERRY
Hmm. Well, I'm having a little problem, too.
ELAINE
(shocked)
The star player?
JERRY
(laughs confidently)
Oh no, Elaine, the star player's fine.
But after they play the Star Spangled Banner,
the umpire never says, "Play Ball".
ELAINE
Never?
JERRY
Never.
ELAINE
Not even one inning?
JERRY
An inning? I can't even get popcorn.
(shakes his head)
I'm telling you Elaine,
there's no joy in Mudville.
ELAINE
Yeah.
CUT TO:
19 EXT. NY CITY STREET 19
Jerry and May Lee are walking and run into Elaine and Jack.
JERRY
Oh. Hi, Elaine. This is May Lee.
ELAINE
Hi. This is Jack.
MAY LEE
Hi.
JACK
Hi, Jerry. May Lee.
(to May Lee)
Elaine tells me you took Jerry
to see the mime marathon.
MAY LEE
Yeah, did you see it?
JACK
Are you kidding?
I've seen it three times.
MAY LEE
(deeply impressed)
Wow.
Jack and May Lee finish each others sentences.
JACK
Don't you feel it's a powerful
commentary on the media--
MAY LEE
--how they don't only tell the story,
they amplify the story?
JACK
Exactly. And the music'
MAY LEE
--I've always loved accordions.
JACK
Me, too.
Jerry and Elaine exchange glances.
JERRY
May Lee and I were going to dinner
at her father's restaurant--
Jack and May Lee interrupt and ignore Jerry.
JACK
Your father has a restaurant?
MAY LEE
Yeah. Sam Woo's.
JACK
I've always wanted to try their food.
MAY LEE
It's really good.
JERRY (con't)
(rubs his stomach)
--but I'm not feeling too great.
Must have been those tacos at lunch.
And tomorrow I've got that dinner
at the Peruvian embassy.
MAY LEE
Jerry, would you rather go home?
JERRY
Well, I hate to miss a meal at your
father's restaurant, but I think I'd better.
ELAINE
(to Jack)
I just remembered I have to go to Jerry's and--
(struggling)
uh, pick up my friend's diaphragm.
She left it in the medicine cabinet when
she was house-sitting.
JERRY
(helping out)
Oh, so that's where that thing came from.
ELAINE
(nods)
Yeah.
JACK
(casually, to May Lee)
Well, looks like it's just you and me.
MAY LEE
(smiles)
Okay.
The couples say brief good-byes. The camera stays on Jerry and Elaine
as they watch May Lee and Jack walk off into the distance.
MAY LEE (V.O.)
... and the garlic chicken's really good.
JACK (V.O.)
I love garlic chicken.
Jerry and Elaine are silent for a few moments.
JERRY
Well.
ELAINE
Yep.
JERRY
You want Italian or Thai?
ELAINE
Thai. The hotter the better.
Elaine takes Jerry's arm and they walk off in the opposite direction.
CUT TO:
20 INT. SAM WOO'S RESTAURANT 20
Jack and May Lee are at a table.
Sam Woo approaches and puts down a plate.
Jack takes a bite and smiles and nods.
JACK
This is great! Do you use any MSG?
SAM WOO
(yells)
No MSG.
JACK
No, I like MSG.
It makes the food taste better.
SAM WOO
(confidentially)
OK, I bring you a little extra.
Sam Woo nods approvingly to May Lee.
CUT TO:
21 EXT. STOOP OF MAY LEE'S BUILDING 21
May Lee and Jack are kissing passionately.
MAY LEE
(huskily)
Would you like to come up for a nightcap?
JACK
Sure.
The couple goes into the apartment building. The camera pans up the
building to May Lee's window where Jack and May Lee are still kissing,
silhouetted against the window shade.
SFX: THE LAST MEASURE OF THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER
THEN AN UMPIRE YELLING 'PLAY BALL'.
CUT TO:
22 INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT 22
Jerry is on the couch in a tuxedo, ready for the dinner
at the Peruvian embassy. George pokes his head in the door
and makes a grand entrance in his tux.
GEORGE
Hey! What do you think?
JERRY
Not bad.
GEORGE
Not bad? It's terrific. I should dress like
this all the time. I mean it. I feel great wearing this.
JERRY
You look a little like Shamu--
George gives Jerry a look.
JERRY (Con't)
--I wonder if we're having fish.
(CUT TO:)
23 INT. THE PERUVIAN EMBASSY FORMAL DINING ROOM 23
The room is paneled in dark wood with plush carpeting and a cut glass
chandelier. There is a long, lavishly set banquet table. All couples are
dressed formally. Dinner has been served and all are eating.
The diplomats speak French, Italian, Swahili and Spanish during the scene.
The English dialog for these lines is sub-titled. All foreign lines are delivered
with great elegance and sophistication. All converse eagerly and ignore George.
Jerry is seated near the head of the table next to his friend, the PERUVIAN
AMBASSADOR.
George is in the middle of the table, between FRENCH SPEAKER TWO
and SWAHILI SPEAKER TWO. Directly across from George is ITALIAN
SPEAKER ONE. He is very distinguished looking: gray hair, and trim
goatee, robust and self-important.
All speakers speak their native languages and the dialog is subtitled.
SWAHILI SPEAKER ONE
(to Swahili Speaker Two in Swahili
the word 'Mets' is clearly heard)
(subtitle)
Is it just my imagination, or are the Mets
even more pitiful than usual this year.
Swahili Speaker Two laughs.
GEORGE
The Met? Are they still showing that Mondrian
exhibit?
SWAHILI SPEAKER TWO
(speaks Swahili--subtitle)
Yes and the players aren't just spitting anymore.
Now they've started picking their noses as well.
The both laugh. George joins in.
GEORGE
Jasper Johns, is it?
FRENCH SPEAKER ONE
(subtitle)
I told him, "You've got to be kidding. The only
place to go for beef jerky is 7-11."
FRENCH SPEAKER TWO
(subtitle)
The 59 cent tacos are good, too.
They taste just like chicken.
GEORGE
I guess it must still be Mondrian. You know,
his first name was Piet. Not like our Pete,
it was, you know, P-i-e-t, foreign Piet. But it's
pronounced the same. Still Pete.
ITALIAN SPEAKER TWO
(to Italian Speaker One)
Forget the Corinthian leather. My cousin threw up
in the back seat and the stain never came out.
George nods knowingly.
ITALIAN SPEAKER ONE
(subtitle)
It makes me sweat like a pig.
GEORGE
Painters.
(laughs)
I guess you need a good name. Piet. Jasper.
Rembrandt. Not too many Freds.
SPANISH SPEAKER ONE
(subtitle)
I don't see who can beat Green Bay, especially
now that they've added Steve Bono.
SPANISH SPEAKER TWO
(subtitle)
Definately the team to beat. You know, I went
to a soccer game recently and I felt an idiot
calling it football.
SPANISH SPEAKER ONE
(subtitle)
That happens to me all the time.
FRENCH SPEAKER ONE
(subtitle)
Anyone know what the mystery meat is?
All laugh and make various suggestions. George takes out
the placebo bottle, shakes it
and people notice him for the first time.
GEORGE
(loudly)
Anyone like a pill.
All the diplomats instantly acquiesce and the bottle is passed around.
The hubbub resumes. George is ignored again.
GEORGE (Con't)
They're only placebos. Can't hurt you.
Later during the same meal. After taking the placebos all the diplomats
love George. The French speaker has his arm around George's shoulder.
People propose toasts to George in French and Italian. Diplomats are singing.
George is flushed with success and emboldened. He begins his next line during
a lull in the conversation.
GEORGE
(to Italian Speaker One,
with a grand gesture)
Excuse me. Could you 'ass-pay the
inich-spay'?
Complete silence.
ITALIAN SPEAKER ONE
(in English)
I beg your pardon.
GEORGE
I said, "Could you 'ass-pay the inich-spay'"?
ITALIAN SPEAKER ONE
(coldly)
I'm afraid I don't understand you, sir.
GEORGE
'Ass-pay the inich-spay.' Get it?
The Italian ambassador shrugs and coldly stares at George.
GEORGE (Con't)
Pass the spinach. 'Ass-pay the inich-spay.'
See. Pass the spinach.
(brightly)
It's pig latin!
ITALIAN SPEAKER ONE
(shouts)
Pig latin?
GEORGE
(weakly)
Yes. Pig latin.
FRENCH SPEAKER TWO
(aside to George,
in accented English)
He is the ambassador from Italy.
Italian Speaker One jumps up violently, knocking over his chair.
ITALIAN SPEAKER ONE
(to the whole table)
PIG? LATIN?
Italian Speaker One throws down his napkin and stalks from the room.
The Italian delegation follows their Ambassador while shouting at the
Peruvians and vice-versa. All others follow suit, exiting in different
directions and shouting. Left at the table are George,
Jerry and the Peruvian Ambassador.
PERUVIAN AMBASSADOR
(to Jerry)
I invite you to my embassy and
you disgrace my honor.
The Peruvian Ambassador throws down his napkin and stalks off.
Jerry stares at George down the length of the long, messy table then
shakes his head.
JERRY
'Ass-pay the inich-spay.'
George holds up the pill bottle.
GEORGE
(shrugs and offers the pill bottle)
Placebo?
25 INT. STEINBRENNER'S OFFICE 25
George enters gingerly. The camera is behind the desk
and Steinbrenner's lifeless arm is seen hanging
off the edge of the desk.
GEORGE
(whispering)
Mr. Steinbrenner? Mr. Steinbrenner?
You wanted to see me?
George approaches the desk.
GEORGE (Con't)
Mr. Steinbrenner. Are you OK?
SFX: INCOHERENT MUMBLING
We see an empty placebo bottle drop from Steinbrenner's hand.
George tiptoes out.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT TWO
© Mark McKenna 1999 All Rights Reserved