© Mark McKenna 1999 All Rights Reserved
1   EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET   1
It is evening and JERRY and ELAINE are coming out of the movies.
Jerry waves half-heartedly for a cab. Elaine's attention is focused
on someone up the street.
Bad movie. Good monster.
Is that Rachel from the health club?
Jerry hails a cab, which pulls to the curb. Elaine doesn't see it.
Yeah. All that drool.
Jerry's attention is grabbed by MAY LEE who hurries by them and steals the
We only see May Lee from behind. She is wearing a tiny, black, backless dress,
black spike heels and has long, dark, braided hair. Elaine is still looking up
His overbite could've used some help.
MAY LEE (V.O.)
Sam Woo's, please.
Jerry is trying to see what May Lee looks like and trying to hide his interest
(cranes his neck)
Yeah. Most monsters just need a good orthodontist.
The cab drives off.
Hey! Our cab!
Did you see that?
No, I didn't see anything.
2   INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT   2
Jerry and GEORGE are talking. Jerry is by the sink.
George is on the couch awkwardly
flipping the TV remote from hand to hand.
I met the ambassador of Peru last night. Came to the show.
Peru! He laugh at your jokes?
(Jerry gives George a look)
I mean, the language barrier.
No barrier for him. He speaks seven languages.
Did you ever notice how it's always seven.
Like you go from one, right to seven.
Well, I was impressed.
It always impresses people. That's why I
always wanted to learn a foreign language.
To impress people.
Sure. What else?
To better communicate with our friends
from other lands?
Jerry moves over toward the couch.
So, what language would you learn?
Any one. It doesn't matter. As long as
people couldn't understand it, I'd be happy.
That's so important in a language.
That's why people speak other languages. You hear them on the street.
They know you can't understand them and they're loving every minute of it.
Jerry shakes his head. KRAMER enters.
Jerry, you got a glass of water?
Sure. Help yourself.
Kramer gets the water. He takes out a distinctive pill bottle.
I gotta take a pill.
What pills are you taking?
It's a placebo.
Kramer takes the pill with one quick gulp.
I've been taking them for a week now and I feel great!
Jerry and George look at each other.
Well, anybody want to eat?
I thought I'd go over to Sam Woo's.
Sam Woo's? We went there. You hate that place.
The food was terrible.
Well, maybe it's better now.
George gives Jerry an incredulous look.
OK. OK. I saw this girl getting into a cab last night
after the movie with Elaine. I heard her say she was
going to Sam Woo's.
I couldn't see her face. But the dress she was wearing--
you could've put it in an envelope and mailed it for 33 cents.
George looks steamed up.
The girl at Sam Woo's? Forget about her, Jerry. She's poison.
You know her?
Everyone knows her. How do you think
Sam Woo stays in business?
It's not the food. She's his daughter.
Be careful. A lot of guys have dated her
and gotten really messed up. She practices
Well, I don't care. I'm going.
No, Jerry. Don't go.
Bob Saccamenna tried for three months.
Ruined his stomach. Eating that food,
night after night. He had to go on the Pritikin diet.
The Pritikin diet?
Ixnay, Jerry. Ixnay.
Well, I'm going.
Not me. Not to Sam Woo's.
You coming, George?
I guess we could try it again.
3   INT. HEALTH CLUB   3
ELAINE is working out on a Stairmaster, listening to a Walkman
and leafing through a magazine.
SFX: 'HOTEL CALIFORNIA'
She begins tossing her head and mouthing the words.
Next to her is a sexy guy, JACK. Elaine is oblivious and starts
to sing out of tune. Jack realizes she can't hear herself and interrupts.
You like the Eagles?
Elaine is startled and turns off the Walkman.
Sorry. I didn't realize anyone could hear me.
Wasn't too bad. It's a great tune.
Yeah, they're great.
I haven't seen you here before--
I usually come during lunch.
--because I would have remembered.
Moment of silence.
Would you like to go for a cup of coffee after?
4   INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT   4
Jerry and George are sitting in a typical Chinese restaurant,
looking at large menus, waiting to order.
You know, there's something I've never understood.
I've always heard 'ixnay', but I never knew where it came from.
You've never heard of pig latin?
Well, I've heard of it.
You were probably absent that week. It's simple. You just take the first
sound, put it at the end and add 'AY'. Girl, irl-gay. Boy, oy-bay.
That's it? That's all?
SAM WOO approaches the table.
He is a hyper Chinese man in his fifties.
You ready to order?
Do any of these dishes have MSG?
No MSG! No MSG!
Are you saying the food contains no trace, however small, of MSG;
or just that you don't add any extra MSG.
(to George, bites off words)
Sam Woo glares at George who looks intimidated.
Is the garlic chicken good?
At Sam Woo's everything good!
Everything good. Hmm. OK, I'll have the garlic chicken.
Two chefs burst out of the kitchen shouting at each
other in Chinese. Sam Woo rushes over and joins the argument.
All three are eye to eye, waving arms and yelling.
I guess too many cooks do spoil the broth.
We're eating here?
Jerry and George watch as May Lee, in the tiny black dress, enters
and says a word to the two cooks who both stop yelling and hurry
into the kitchen. She then talks quietly to her father who calms
down and exits. She walks over to their table to take their order.
She is very beautiful, friendly and thoroughly Americanized.
(smiles at Jerry, then writes)
You're having the garlic chicken?
(smiles at Jerry)
It's very good today.
And what would you like?
I'll have the garlic prawns and a side order
of potstickers, please.
May Lee smiles at George, dazzling him. He closes the menu. As he
gives it back to her, he hits himself in the head with it,
which he tries to ignore. Jerry hands her his menu, and both of them hold it,
lingering a second as they smile at one another. May Lee exits.
Did you see her? Is she unbelievable?
Are you kidding? I don't know what Kramer was talking about.
Later. May Lee approaches with two plates of food.
She serves George as he does his best to look winsome.
She hands Jerry his plate and they both hold it
while smiling at each other.
Enjoy your dinners.
(intimately, to Jerry)
If there's anything else I can get you please let me know.
Jerry nods, blissed out. May Lee exits.
Jerry takes a bite of food and
makes a horrible grimace.
5   INT. ALL-NIGHT DRUG STORE   5
Jerry is leaning on the counter. George is holding his stomach.
They both look sick.
Do you have any Alka-Seltzer?
6   EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET   6
Kramer, feeling great, runs into George on the street.
You don't look so good, buddy.
Really? It must be the food at Sam Woo's.
Sam Woo's? The daughter?
Kramer reacts again.
I warned you.
I know, I know.
Hey, George. If you're not feeling so good, you know, low energy,
tired, listless, you should really try some of these.
Kramer pulls the distinctive bottle of pills from his pocket
and gives it to George.
A friend of mine's got thousands of them.
They were left over from a study.
I don't know, Kramer.
You'll feel great.
Kramer gives him a confident smile as George examines the pills.
I guess it can't hurt.
George takes a pill.
7   INT. COFFEE SHOP   7
Jerry and Elaine talking. Coffee cups and empty dishes on the table.
Are you feeling all right?
You look kind of pasty.
It must be the food at Sam Woo's.
Don't you hate that place?
Yeah, but I've got a date with his daughter.
Oh, the girl from the movies.
Say' did she ever find the rest of that dress?
Jerry makes a face.
So, how're you doing?
Great. I met someone. At the club.
Completely. He's the reason they invented them.
Oh, a sponge-god.
Jerry picks up check from table and reaches for his wallet.
We'll soon find out. So, where are you going with the daughter?
May Lee and I are going to a poetry reading.
Jerry looks uneasy.
8   INT. POETRY READING   8
The poetry reading is held in a small theater with many empty seats.
On stage, sitting on a straight backed chair is the angry, hippie-type,
POET. The room is just small enough that no one can leave without creating
a scene. The poet projects a violent vibe and a fine spray of spittle, especially
on the word 'putrid'. Jerry and May Lee seated in front.
He's supposed to be the next Wallace Stevens.
What happened to the last one?
May Lee is baffled by this. The poet clears his throat.
He glares slowly around the room.
Left to rot in putrid alleys.
Poet spits on the word 'putrid'
Jerry surreptitiously wipes his forehead. The Poet glares.
Left to stink
Of flowers and rust,
In the gutters of my mind.
We see May Lee's rapt expression, then Jerry's pained one.
POET (Con't) (V.O.)
We see Jerry's eyes roll back in his head.
9   EXT. STOOP OF MAY LEE'S BUILDING   9
Jerry is still ga-ga and hopeful as they say goodnight.
I had a really nice time, Jerry.
Not too many guys like poetry.
I had a really nice time too, May Lee.
He goes to move a little closer to her and she thrusts out her hand.
Jerry takes it and she shakes quickly and disappears into the building.
10   INT. GEORGE'S OFFICE   10
George is quickly and efficiently organizing files on his desk.
He is whistling. The placebo bottle is on his desk and he
eats a few like peanuts.
SFX. PHONE RINGS
(listens a moment)
No problem. I've got that all taken care of.
Sent it off this morning. No.
No. No problem.
Well, thank you, sir! In the Yankee organization
we feel we have a long tradition of quality
to uphold. Yes...a long tradition.
(listens a moment)
God bless you too, sir.
All right. Bye now.
George hangs up the phone as a co-worker DICKIE sticks his head
in the door. He has a big pile of documents stacked criss-crossed.
He looks like Don Knotts.
George, I really hate to bother you but I'm swamped
and Steinbrenner's on the warpath.
Dickie. C'mon in.
Dickie enters apologetically.
The copy machine's broke and these press releases
have to be collated. They have to go out today.
Sure, I can do it. No problem.
George takes the stack cheerfully and puts it on the desk.
Thanks, George. You saved my life.
Dickie turns to leave and George calls him back.
Say Dickie, a friend of mine gave
me these pills.
(pulls out the bottle)
They're placebos left over from a study.
I've got plenty, if you want some. I've been
taking them for a few days and I feel great.
Well, I guess if they're just placebos they
couldn't hurt. Thanks, George.
He takes the bottle from George and exits.
George opens his desk, takes out
another full bottle and smiles.
11   INT. ELAINE'S BEDROOM   11
Elaine and Jack are in bed, on their backs, staring up at the ceiling.
There are a few moments of silence.
This sort of thing never happens to me.
I'm sure everything's fine. You're probably just tired.
Yeah. No problem.
Jack punches his pillow a few times and rolls over.
We see Elaine's frustrated and staring eyes.
12   INT. COPY ROOM IN YANKEE STADIUM   12
We see Dickie whistling, relaxed and confident as he removes collated
copies from a copy machine. George is working in the background.
STEVIE, a co-worker enters. He looks like Don Knotts, too.
Hey Dickie! The copy machine's working again.
Yeah. I stayed late last night.
You know, these machines aren't
hard to fix if you just take your time.
Wow! That's incredible.
Say, Stevie! You should try some of these.
He pull out the bottle of placebos. George raises an eyebrow.
We see him getting an idea.
13   INT. HEALTH CLUB   13
Elaine is pedaling furiously on a stationary bike. She is sweated up,
staring fixedly into the distance and looks like she's going to explode.
14   INT. KOSTANZA'S APARTMENT   14
FRANK and ESTELLE are in the living room. Estelle is sitting on a
chair and knitting. Frank is sitting across from her, wearing a T-shirt
and reading the sports page. George is on the couch
watching them. His head moves like a spectator at a tennis match.
(to Estelle, who never looks up)
I read yesterday in the paper...now bratwurst
isn't good for you. When I was sixteen, I ate
bratwurst every day for a year. That's all I had.
Bratwurst. Bratwurst for breakfast, bratwurst for
lunch, bratwurst for dinner.
Frank, you shouldn't sit around
in your underwear.
It's not underwear. It's a T-shirt.
It looks like underwear.
I'm comfortable. Can't a man be
comfortable in his own house?
Someone might come over. Put on a shirt, Frank.
This is a shirt...it's a T-shirt.
Frank, put on a shirt.
(to the heavens)
Forty-six years. Forty-six glorious years.
Every day I wake up and think
now my bliss is complete--
Shut up, Frank.
(shouts at him)
Take that off and put a shirt on.
George clears his throat. He is holding out the pill bottle.
Would you two like to try something good?
END OF ACT ONE
15   INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT   15
Jerry is on the phone. George is on the couch flipping the remote
quickly and catching it over and over expertly.
Oh thanks. I'd like that a lot. Friday
night. Sure, I'd love to. Sounds great.
OK. See you then.
That was the Peruvian ambassador.
I'm invited to a dinner on Friday.
George is admiring his skill with the remote.
You know, professional sports
can't be that hard.
You want to go?
Yeah. The Peruvians are having
some people over.
Yeah, sounds good.
How are things going with May Lee?
Torture. We went to a poetry
reading the other night.
George shakes his head.
Tonight we're going to a mime marathon.
I don't get it. You hate the food. You
hate poetry. You two have nothing in
common. What's the big attraction?
They look at each other.
Both nod. Kramer enters. He is stuttering and shaking.
Challenge. May Lee.
What's the matter with you?
He continues stuttering.
What? Placebos? Peruvians?
Place-kicker for the Jets? What?
Kramer waves his hand signaling 'no'.
Kramer exits abruptly. George looks at Jerry and raises an eyebrow.
16   INT. AVANT GARDE PLAY   16
On stage is a mime lying on his back while another mime is emptying pieces
of cut-up newspaper from a bucket on him. Behind them, stage right, a mime
with a scissors is cutting up more newspaper and putting it in another bucket.
Stage left, two more mimes are playing "It's a Small World After All" over
over on accordions. All the mimes move like sleepwalkers doing tai chi.
Jerry's sitting with a clenched jaw and a fixed gaze.
She is so engrossed by the action she doesn't hear him.
She looks over at him.
I've got to get up early tomorrow.
(as if to a child)
Jerry. There's only'
An hour and a half left.
May Lee turns her head and is immediately engrossed in the stage.
Jerry whispers to her profile.
I'm pretty tired.
Jerry is shushed loudly by the person sitting behind them.
17   INT. GEORGE'S OFFICE   17
George is working. He picks up the placebo bottle, stares at it for
a moment, then shrugs and takes a few. MR. WILHELM, who is
passing by, sees him take the pills and enters.
George, what are those?
(not looking up)
Placebos. Help yourself.
We see him gingerly taste one and nod appreciatively.
18 INT. COFFEE SHOP 18
Jerry and Elaine are talking.
So. How are things going between you
and what's his name?
Fine. How are things between you
May Lee. Great. Couldn't be better.
Uncomfortable silence. Jerry stirs his coffee.
Jack and I get along great, too.
Super, in fact.
She fiddles with her cup.
But, there is one little area.
Actually, a big area.
A big area.
Yes. How can I put this? The star player on his
team isn't coming up big at the crucial moment
of the game.
Oh. I see. If I understand you correctly,
and I think I do Elaine, what you're saying is,
he doesn't rise when they play
the national anthem.
It's worse than that, Jerry.
He won't even get off the bench.
He's not anti-American?
Oh no. He loves his country.
You know Elaine, there are no
atheists in foxholes.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
I'm getting desperate, Jerry. I don't
know how much more I can take.
She looks at Jerry pointedly. He reacts.
Hmm. Well, I'm having a little problem, too.
The star player?
Oh no, Elaine, the star player's fine.
But after they play the Star Spangled Banner,
the umpire never says, "Play Ball".
Not even one inning?
An inning? I can't even get popcorn.
(shakes his head)
I'm telling you Elaine,
there's no joy in Mudville.
19   EXT. NY CITY STREET   19
Jerry and May Lee are walking and run into Elaine and Jack.
Oh. Hi, Elaine. This is May Lee.
Hi. This is Jack.
Hi, Jerry. May Lee.
(to May Lee)
Elaine tells me you took Jerry
to see the mime marathon.
Yeah, did you see it?
Are you kidding?
I've seen it three times.
Jack and May Lee finish each others sentences.
Don't you feel it's a powerful
commentary on the media--
--how they don't only tell the story,
they amplify the story?
Exactly. And the music'
--I've always loved accordions.
Jerry and Elaine exchange glances.
May Lee and I were going to dinner
at her father's restaurant--
Jack and May Lee interrupt and ignore Jerry.
Your father has a restaurant?
Yeah. Sam Woo's.
I've always wanted to try their food.
It's really good.
(rubs his stomach)
--but I'm not feeling too great.
Must have been those tacos at lunch.
And tomorrow I've got that dinner
at the Peruvian embassy.
Jerry, would you rather go home?
Well, I hate to miss a meal at your
father's restaurant, but I think I'd better.
I just remembered I have to go to Jerry's and--
uh, pick up my friend's diaphragm.
She left it in the medicine cabinet when
she was house-sitting.
Oh, so that's where that thing came from.
(casually, to May Lee)
Well, looks like it's just you and me.
The couples say brief good-byes. The camera stays on Jerry and Elaine
as they watch May Lee and Jack walk off into the distance.
MAY LEE (V.O.)
... and the garlic chicken's really good.
I love garlic chicken.
Jerry and Elaine are silent for a few moments.
You want Italian or Thai?
Thai. The hotter the better.
Elaine takes Jerry's arm and they walk off in the opposite direction.
20   INT. SAM WOO'S RESTAURANT   20
Jack and May Lee are at a table.
Sam Woo approaches and puts down a plate.
Jack takes a bite and smiles and nods.
This is great! Do you use any MSG?
No, I like MSG.
It makes the food taste better.
OK, I bring you a little extra.
Sam Woo nods approvingly to May Lee.
21   EXT. STOOP OF MAY LEE'S BUILDING   21
May Lee and Jack are kissing passionately.
Would you like to come up for a nightcap?
The couple goes into the apartment building. The camera pans up the
building to May Lee's window where Jack and May Lee are still kissing,
silhouetted against the window shade.
SFX: THE LAST MEASURE OF THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER
THEN AN UMPIRE YELLING 'PLAY BALL'.
22   INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT   22
Jerry is on the couch in a tuxedo, ready for the dinner
at the Peruvian embassy. George pokes his head in the door
and makes a grand entrance in his tux.
Hey! What do you think?
Not bad? It's terrific. I should dress like
this all the time. I mean it. I feel great wearing this.
You look a little like Shamu--
George gives Jerry a look.
--I wonder if we're having fish.
23   INT. THE PERUVIAN EMBASSY FORMAL DINING ROOM   23
The room is paneled in dark wood with plush carpeting and a cut glass
chandelier. There is a long, lavishly set banquet table. All couples are
dressed formally. Dinner has been served and all are eating.
The diplomats speak French, Italian, Swahili and Spanish during the scene.
The English dialog for these lines is sub-titled. All foreign lines are delivered
with great elegance and sophistication. All converse eagerly and ignore George.
Jerry is seated near the head of the table next to his friend, the PERUVIAN
George is in the middle of the table, between FRENCH SPEAKER TWO
and SWAHILI SPEAKER TWO. Directly across from George is ITALIAN
SPEAKER ONE. He is very distinguished looking: gray hair, and trim
goatee, robust and self-important.
All speakers speak their native languages and the dialog is subtitled.
SWAHILI SPEAKER ONE
(to Swahili Speaker Two in Swahili
the word 'Mets' is clearly heard)
Is it just my imagination, or are the Mets
even more pitiful than usual this year.
Swahili Speaker Two laughs.
The Met? Are they still showing that Mondrian
SWAHILI SPEAKER TWO
Yes and the players aren't just spitting anymore.
Now they've started picking their noses as well.
The both laugh. George joins in.
Jasper Johns, is it?
FRENCH SPEAKER ONE
I told him, "You've got to be kidding. The only
place to go for beef jerky is 7-11."
FRENCH SPEAKER TWO
The 59 cent tacos are good, too.
They taste just like chicken.
I guess it must still be Mondrian. You know,
his first name was Piet. Not like our Pete,
it was, you know, P-i-e-t, foreign Piet. But it's
pronounced the same. Still Pete.
ITALIAN SPEAKER TWO
(to Italian Speaker One)
Forget the Corinthian leather. My cousin threw up
in the back seat and the stain never came out.
George nods knowingly.
ITALIAN SPEAKER ONE
It makes me sweat like a pig.
I guess you need a good name. Piet. Jasper.
Rembrandt. Not too many Freds.
SPANISH SPEAKER ONE
I don't see who can beat Green Bay, especially
now that they've added Steve Bono.
SPANISH SPEAKER TWO
Definately the team to beat. You know, I went
to a soccer game recently and I felt an idiot
calling it football.
SPANISH SPEAKER ONE
That happens to me all the time.
FRENCH SPEAKER ONE
Anyone know what the mystery meat is?
All laugh and make various suggestions. George takes out
the placebo bottle, shakes it
and people notice him for the first time.
Anyone like a pill.
All the diplomats instantly acquiesce and the bottle is passed around.
The hubbub resumes. George is ignored again.
They're only placebos. Can't hurt you.
Later during the same meal. After taking the placebos all the diplomats
love George. The French speaker has his arm around George's shoulder.
People propose toasts to George in French and Italian. Diplomats are singing.
George is flushed with success and emboldened. He begins his next line during
a lull in the conversation.
(to Italian Speaker One,
with a grand gesture)
Excuse me. Could you 'ass-pay the
ITALIAN SPEAKER ONE
I beg your pardon.
I said, "Could you 'ass-pay the inich-spay'"?
ITALIAN SPEAKER ONE
I'm afraid I don't understand you, sir.
'Ass-pay the inich-spay.' Get it?
The Italian ambassador shrugs and coldly stares at George.
Pass the spinach. 'Ass-pay the inich-spay.'
See. Pass the spinach.
It's pig latin!
ITALIAN SPEAKER ONE
Yes. Pig latin.
FRENCH SPEAKER TWO
(aside to George,
in accented English)
He is the ambassador from Italy.
Italian Speaker One jumps up violently, knocking over his chair.
ITALIAN SPEAKER ONE
(to the whole table)
Italian Speaker One throws down his napkin and stalks from the room.
The Italian delegation follows their Ambassador while shouting at the
Peruvians and vice-versa. All others follow suit, exiting in different
directions and shouting. Left at the table are George,
Jerry and the Peruvian Ambassador.
I invite you to my embassy and
you disgrace my honor.
The Peruvian Ambassador throws down his napkin and stalks off.
Jerry stares at George down the length of the long, messy table then
shakes his head.
'Ass-pay the inich-spay.'
George holds up the pill bottle.
(shrugs and offers the pill bottle)
25   INT. STEINBRENNER'S OFFICE   25
George enters gingerly. The camera is behind the desk
and Steinbrenner's lifeless arm is seen hanging
off the edge of the desk.
Mr. Steinbrenner? Mr. Steinbrenner?
You wanted to see me?
George approaches the desk.
Mr. Steinbrenner. Are you OK?
SFX: INCOHERENT MUMBLING
We see an empty placebo bottle drop from Steinbrenner's hand.
George tiptoes out.
END OF ACT TWO
© Mark McKenna 1999 All Rights Reserved